Weather or Not

One of my favorite things to every week during the 'off season' is saddle up next to a pint of top-shelf ice cream (if you're in the White River area, Strafford Creamery is king, sorry Ben and Jerry) and watch fat people try to jump up on a 12 inch box. What would Wednesday night in December be without a 2 hour trainer ride followed up by binge eating and Biggest Loser?

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and so will this time honored tradition. If it wasn't for the season finale, there's almost certainly the inevitable disillusionment with the hours of indoor workouts required to train competitively for triathlons (and justify all those empty calories). I mean, I'm not the most cerebral individual, but holy crap. There is nothing fun about indoor training. Pro athletes must be dumb as you know what if they can handle the monotony, and endless sweat sets all over the living room floor while watching BRING IT ON again (please don't confuse this with Bring it on AGAIN - this movie is crap) for the 57th time. Indoor training is just not my definition of a good time.

So, the question is, if you can't handle the trainer, how are you going to handle actual outdoor training December-March year after year until you FINALLY grab that pro license and someone pays you to ride year-round in the Blue Ridge Mountains?

Well, let me walk you through 5 easy steps that will help you put Old Man Winter in a sleeper hold and kick him in the junk while he's down:

1. Socks. Even Forest Gump knows you gotta take care of your feet. You can never own or wear too many pairs of good socks. I am self-sponsored by Darn Tough Vermont and if you want to be even remotely scrappy you need to own a dozen pairs yourself. And booties. 2 pairs of socks. 2 pairs of booties.
2. Hot chocolate. Make it up ahead. When you get back from a 3 hour ride through the tundra, pour it all over yourself and rub vigorously. This definitely speeds recovery.
3. Crampons. Not your grandady's crampons either. Real face shredding ice gripping steel carbide tipped goodness.
4. Peer pressure. If you are reading this blog you are a triathlete so you probably have no friends. Get one and make make him get is ass up and ride with you. If you can't find a real friend, try paying one. While I don't even remotely support this because it is just pathetic, we are in a recession and I for one would be willing to ride with you all winter long if you paid me.
5. Petroleum jelly (Choosy moms choose Bag Balm. It's for cow teets). Rub it all over the place. There is nowhere you can reach that won't benefit from a little lubrication and wind protection this time of year. If your bib tights are anything like mine, you know just what I mean.

So, that's it. Now you're prepped for success. Oh, what's that, it's still too COLD for you out there. Shut up. If you want to win, go ride your bike. If you don't use it, you will almost definitely lose it. Yeah, that's right. The race FOOL.